Opinions on Fictional Men

 On Thursday, May 2nd, this came up in my Facebook memories:

"111 Male Characters Of British Literature, In Order Of Bangability"

by Carrie Frye, April 29, 2011

It's been 13 years, but I have thoughts. I'll skip the characters I don't know from books I haven't read.

111. Frankenstein’s Monster (Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus). Fair, judging solely by the book. But in Maggie Gyllenhaal's forthcoming The Bride of Frankenstein retelling The Bride (2025), the Monster will be played by Christian Bale. Which bumps him up to #1. I apologize in advance for the feelings I will feel about that movie.

110. Uriah Heep (David Copperfield)

109. Casaubon (Middlemarch). If I remember Middlemarch, the main character's elderly husband looked like the philosopher John Locke, but I pictured him as Lost!John Locke. Not unhot.

108. Bradley Headstone (Our Mutual Friend)

107. Samuel Pickwick (Pickwick Papers)

106. Gussie Fink-Nottle (Right Ho, Jeeves)

105. Keith Talent (London Fields)

104. Jerry Cruncher (Tale of Two Cities). Domestic violence perpetrator; deserves to be at the bottom.

103. Hercule Poirot (The Mysterious Affair at Styles). What's wrong with Poirot? He's smart, he's Belgian, he keeps his moustache neat. In the movies he's Kenneth Branagh. What have we got against Poirot?

102. Ham Peggotty (David Copperfield)

101. Thorin Oakenshield (The Hobbit). This is just anti-dwarfish. In the movies he's Richard Armitage. That gay Brit is pretty hot. Adaptational attractiveness? Sure, but still, I think a lot of Tolkien men are ranked too low on this list.

100. Tracy Tupman (Pickwick Papers)

99. Julian Malory (Excellent Women)

98. C.J. Stryver (A Tale of Two Cities). This one is correct. Sydney Carton is the hot one at this law firm.

97. Charles Arrowby (The Sea, the Sea)

96. Dr. Watson (“A Study In Scarlet”). Wrong. Watson is a catch. He's a Victorian 10.

95. Willy Wonka (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). Ma'am, he has unlimited access to chocolate. That should bump him into the Top 50, at least.

94. Jim Dixon (Lucky Jim)

93. Edward Ferrars (Sense and Sensibility). I'm sorry, but in what universe is Edward Ferrars less bangable than George Wickham? Carrie Frye, did you read these books all the way through to the end?

92. Colonel Brandon (Sense and Sensibility). EXCUSE ME?!?

91. Percy Mannering (Memento Mori)

90. Edmund Bertram (Mansfield Park)

89. Augustus Snodgrass (Pickwick Papers)

88. Mr. Micawber (David Copperfield)

87. Bertram Wooster (“Extricating Young Gussie”)

86. Everard Bone (Excellent Women)

85. Peregrin Took (The Lord of the Rings)

84. Will Ladislaw (Middlemarch). EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME?! Will Ladislaw INVENTED fanservice.

83. Flashman (Flashman)

82. J.P. Worthing (The Importance of Being Earnest)

81. Holly Martins (The Third Man)

80. Charles Bingley (Pride and Prejudice). Fair. Bingley is about as attractive as a golden retriever.

79. Alec Warner (Memento Mori)

78. Leopold Bloom (Ulysses)

77. Timothy Cavendish (Cloud Atlas)

76. Kubla Khan (“Kubla Khan”)

75. Aylwin Forbes (No Fond Return of Love)

74. Falstaff (Henry IV, Part I)

73. Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe (Ivanhoe)

72. Stephen Colley (I Capture The Castle)

71. George Smiley (Call for the Dead)

70. Charles Ryder (Brideshead Revisited)

69. Simon Cotton (I Capture The Castle)

68. Peter Pan (Peter Pan; or, the Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up). MA'AM HE IS A LITERAL CHILD. HE SHOULD NOT BE ON THIS LIST.

67. Long John Silver (Treasure Island)

66. King Lear (King Lear)

65. Reginald Jeeves (“Extricating Young Gussie”)

64. Henry Pulling (Travels with My Aunt)

63. Romeo (Romeo and Juliet). Another literal child from the reader's pov, but pretty bangable to his age-appropriate partner, I guess?

62. Tristram Shandy (The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman)

61. Winston Smith (Nineteen Eighty-Four)

60. Roland Michell (Possession)

59. Crow (Crow)

58. Brigadier Etienne Gerard (The Exploits of Brigadier Gerard)

57. Tertius Lydgate (Middlemarch). I don't remember who this is.

56. Lord Sebastian Flyte (Brideshead Revisited)

55. Henry Crawford (Mansfield Park)

54. Frederick Wentworth (Persuasion)

53. Edward Murdstone (David Copperfield)

52. Desmond Ragwort (Thus Was Adonis Murdered)

51. Captain Hook (Peter Pan; or, the Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up). I feel like he should be closer to 111. Unless we're talking about that one adaptation with Jason Isaacs. I like Jason Isaacs.

50. Charles Darnay (A Tale of Two Cities). That's pretty fair. Sure, he looks exactly, weirdly like Sydney Carton, but Charles Darnay has another golden retriever personality. Pleasant, I suppose, but not sexy. Plus he's probably sad about his dead son.

49. Dorian Gray (The Picture of Dorian Gray). He could have been much higher if not for the murder.

48. King Arthur (The Once and Future King)

47. Mortimer Lightwood (Our Mutual Friend)

46. M. Héger (Villette)

45. Legolas (The Lord of the Rings). Tolkien elves are hot.

44. Robin Hood (Piers Plowman)

43. Inspector Alan Grant (The Man in the Queue)

42. George Emerson (A Room with a View)

41. Alan Breck Stewart (Kidnapped)

40. Rockingham Napier (Excellent Women)

39. Mr. Neville (Hotel du Lac)

38. St. John Rivers (Jane Eyre). Colonialist. Not sexy.

37. Remus Lupin (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)

36. Lancelot (The Once and Future King)

35. Othello (Othello, The Moor of Venice). He definitely killed his wife. We saw him do it. Therefore, unbangable.

34. Tarzan/Lord Greystoke (Tarzan of the Apes). I know he was on my Disney "would" list, but let's be honest: The real sexiness is Tony Goldwyn's.

33. Severus Snape (Harry Potter and the Philospher’s Stone)

32. Aslan (The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe). Ma'am, he is a literal lion. He shouldn't be on this list. I'm pretty sure he's an asexual untame talking lion.

31. Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities). Should be closer to #1 OBVIOUSLY.

30. John Willoughby (Sense and Sensibility). This much higher than Edward Ferrars? Really?

29. Thomas Cromwell (Wolf Hall)

28. Maxim de Winter (Rebecca). Um, didn't he kill his wife?

27. Simon Bakerloo (The Wolves of Willoughby Chase)

26. Sirius Black (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban). Yeah. Or maybe a little higher, even. This is not an endorsement of J.K. Rowling, whose attempt to gaslight the Internet into ignoring Nazi anti-lgbtq+ violence makes me ill. If I were a billionaire writer with a huge platform, I simply would not use my huge platform to target a vulnerable minority.

25. Brian de Bois-Guilbert (Ivanhoe)

24. Adam Dalgliesh (Cover Her Face)

23. James Bond (Casino Royale). James Bond's behavior and personality are offputting. The only thing that ever makes James Bond sexy is when he's played by Daniel Craig.

22. James Steerforth (David Copperfield)

21. Tom Bombadil (The Lord of the Rings). Accurate. Tom Bombadil might not be a permanent keeper, but he does sound fun.

20. Edward Driffield (Cakes And Ale)

19. Sherlock Holmes (“A Study In Scarlet”). I never get very strong sexy vibes from book!Sherlock. Watson does more for me. But the sound of Benedict Cumberbatch's voice is an entirely different story. (Hours spent reading Johnlock fanfic? Who, me?)

18. Justin Alastair, Duke of Avon (These Old Shades)

17. Robert Frobisher (Cloud Atlas). That's about right. Sexy, but sad. Depraved bisexual trope, but sexy.

16. Eomer (The Lord of the Rings). Yes.

15. Michael Cantrip (Thus Was Adonis Murdered)

14. Algernon Moncrieff (The Importance of Being Earnest)

13. Randolph Henry Ash (Possession)

12. Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights). I have normal, proportional feelings about Heathcliff and about Ralph Fiennes playing him. I'm normal about Byronic antiheroes.

11. Maurice Bendrix (The End of the Affair)

10. Beorn (The Hobbit)

9. Orlando (Orlando: A Biography). Strongly agree. Ms. Carrie Frye and I are on the same page here.

8. Oliver Mellors (Lady Chatterley’s Lover). I get it.

7. Lord Peter Wimsey (Strong Poison)

6. Don Juan (Don Juan)

5. The Beast (“The Tiger’s Bride”)

4. Eugene Wrayburn (Our Mutual Friend)

The top three are fine. I feel like there should me more Shakespeare in here somewhere, though. I feel like the unsexy Shakespeare characters are covered better than the actually hot ones. Benedick, anyone? Dom Demetrius, afraid of yet intrigued by Helena's sub tendencies?

3. Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)

2. Strider/ Aragorn (The Lord of the Rings)

1. Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre)