Movie Review: Vampire Academy

An Odd Valentine's Day

Warning: the first part of this post is going to be a bit of a ramble. If you just want the straight movie review, skip down to Rose Is So Badass.

My Valentine's Day was an odd one. In the morning, Tit Elingtin and I went to a pancake house for a lovely Valentine's breakfast. I had a crepe stuffed with vanilla yogurt, fresh strawberries (they are shaped like hearts, after all), fresh blueberries, and granola. Yum!

Then, off to our day job, remodeling - I'm back to working as assistant remodeling since my steady editing contract ended - where we dug mud out of a semi-frozen hole. We're desperately trying to install a sump pump before the snow melts and floods the basement we're remodeling. So glamorous! I don't think I need to mention how badly I want another steady editing gig.

At 3:40, we hurried home so I could change my muddy jeans and boots. I hopped in my mom's nice, clean, warm car and we went to the movie theater. It was still early - we caught the 4:40 show - so most of the couples out on date night weren't yet there to see Endless Love, Labor Day, or Winter's Tale.

The Pre-Movie Show

We didn't quite have time to eat a salad at Panera like we originally planned, so we needed popcorn. I ordered a large Diet Coke and got a plastic Divergent cup, which I'm going to keep as a souvenir. We're about five weeks away from the Divergent movie premiere.

Before the actual movie trailers, one gets commercials. Today's commercials included a promo for the A&E television series Those Who Kill. One star of the series is James D'Arcy.





The lovely English actor has very striking bright blue eyes. He makes me sad, though, because I'll always think of him as Rufus Sixsmith from Cloud Atlas. Sixsmith/Frobisher tragic romance feels - activated.

I may have let slip a quiet "Squee!" during the trailer for the Veronica Mars movie. I loved that series, even though I only started it on DVD because I loved Enrico Colantoni so much on Person of Interest. But what's not to love? Veronica is smart, she's snarky, she can take care of herself, and she's played by Kristen Bell. (I'm still mad that Syler killed her on Heroes.) Unresolved Veronica/Logan feels - very much activated.

This was followed by the The Fault in Our Stars trailer. I already saw it on YouTube, but this was my first time seeing Hazel Grace and Augustus on the big screen. TFIOS tragic romance feels - way, way activated. I have a feeling I'm going to quietly sob my way through that entire movie.

Now for our feature presentation.

Rose Is So Badass

So: Vampire Academy. I did not read a single book in the series by Richelle Mead. Mead's website says there are six books in the original series and then a spinoff series. I only saw the trailer once on TV, so I knew very little about the movie going into it. Basically, we only saw this one because it had "vampire" in the title. I expected something like a vampire version of Hogwarts.

Which it sort of is, because the vampires do learn magic, although their magic is more elemental (earth/air/fire/water) than what Hogwarts teaches.

To sum up the story in a non-spoilery way for anyone else who hasn't read the books, I shall quote from Vampire Fun & Games: Trivia, Puzzles and Games That Don't Suck by H.W. Kondras:

"In this series, the main character is Rose Hathaway, a half-vampire who is training to be the bodyguard for her best friend, vampire princess Vasilisa Dragomir. There are two kinds of vampires in this series: Moroi, living vampires who can wield magic, and the Strigoi, undead who feed on the innocent to survive. Vasilisa (or Lissa) is the last of her family line and a princess of the Moroi. While learning how to defend her friend from the Strigoi, Rose falls in love with her instructor, Dimitri, at the Academy, and even in vampire circles, a teacher-student romance is frowned upon."

Lissa is a gentle soul, somewhat sad after her parents and brother Andre were killed in a car accident, very loving towards animals and her friends, and a little otherworldly. She's played by Lucy Fry. She's absolutely gorgeous, with an ethereal quality that reminds me of Amanda Seyfried or a young Michelle Pfeiffer.





I like Lissa, but I really like Rose. Rose is a badass who lives for protecting Lissa from the Strigoi - and sometimes from herself. She's not just a bodyguard; she's the best friend any woman would love to have. She has strong opinions, a snarky personality, and killer fighting moves, and although she's a Dhampir - human mom, vampire dad - she's more Buffy Summers than Bella Swan.





Rose is played by Zoey Deutch. She played Emily in Beautiful Creatures.

Boys, Boys, Boys

Now let's talk about the love interests, Christian and Dmitri. Christian Ozera is something of an outcast at the vampire academy, the formal name of which is Saint Vladimir's. (St. Vladimir was one of the moroi.) His parents chose to become Strigoi and had to be killed. Tainted with a whiff of evil, Christian is generally assumed to be on the same path as his parents, liable to go bad at any time. However, when he and Lissa find themselves alone together, the flirting begins almost immediately. At first Lissa doesn't return Christian's affection, and Rose tries to scare him away, but Lissa comes to bond with the man in black.





Christian is played by English actor Dominic Sherwood. He looks like the illegitimate child of Robert Pattinson and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Yum.

Dimitri Belikov's introduction to Rose involves deflecting her attack by violently throwing her to the pavement. It's a thing that they have: she's always trying to attack him when he's least expecting it. But he's just doing his job, trying to protect the princess, and teaching Rose to do the same. The tattoos on the back of his neck indicate Dimitri has killed six Strigoi. His badass level is through the roof, so it's no wonder why Rose would dig him. He's her teacher, though, and he's eight years older than her - she's 17 - so their relationship can't go beyond flirtation on her end, at least until after she turns 18 and graduates.

In one scene, Rose and Dimitri fall under the spell of an enchanted necklace. She bursts into his room, where he's reading on the bed. They kiss passionately. He rips off her dress and throws it into the fireplace, then pounces on her. Before they can go too far, though, he takes the necklace off her, and the spell is broken. A small part of me thought, "Yes! Do the thing!" But most of my brain thought, "This is highly inappropriate!" I do want Dimitri and Rose to be together, but only AFTER she turns 18 and graduates.





Dimitri is played by Danila Kozlovsky, a Russian actor. He is absolutely gorgeous in the long black wig, and with his pale skin and dark hair, he looks a bit like Bill Compton from first-season True Blood. Yum.

Cruelty to Animals

I must warn you if you go to see this film, there is some cruelty to animals. It's not on-screen, but in two instances, dead animals are shown. One is a fox, and the other one is Lissa's pet cat. This did not sit well with me at all. If you're very sensitive to violence against animals in films, you may want to skip this one.

If you hurt my cat, I will jam a silver stake through you heart, whether you're a Strigoi or not.

Gabriel Byrne Is Still My Sweet, Sweet Baby

In this movie, Gabriel Byrne plays Victor Dashkov, a friend of the Dragomir family and member of one of the other twelve Moroi royal families. The twelve families take turns ruling; the queen at the moment is named Tatiana, and she's kind of a jerk. At first Victor seems like a sweet old guy suffering from some vampire disease, and the dad of Lissa and Rose's classmate Natalie. (Natalie is played by Sarah Hyland, best known on U.S. TV as Haley Dunphy on Modern Family.)





Naturally, he has a hidden agenda. I won't spoil it, but I will say that although his character in Vampire Academy turns out not to be a good guy, Gabriel Byrne is still my sweet, sweet baby. You can read more about my Gabriel Byrne fetish in "The Older Dudes I'd Most Like to See Lewd."

Overall Impression

Overall, I liked this movie. In some ways it was a rather predictable high school comedy/drama with vampire mythology tacked on, so I'm under no illusions that it's one of the greatest films ever produced. For what it was, though, it was fun. It made good on its promise, at least for someone like me who hadn't read the book. The young women who sat in the row in front of us in the theater did say a lot from the books was left out, but that's to be expected from a book-to-film adaptation. As I always say, a movie is a snack, but a book is a buffet.

Plus, the movie had a nice anti-bullying, anti-slut shaming (sexuality shaming, if you prefer) message.

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Shift by Madison Dunn. $8.99 from Smashwords.com
I'm not sure why it happens, but when I focus just right, I can slow time. Things around me become lighter somehow, and I almost feel the tiny particles of energy spinning inside of them. The thing is, having the ability to transform the world around you isn't all it's cracked up to be -- especially when you are running from the Valencia without any deodorant.

Worst. Episode. Ever. ~ in which I am emotionally traumatized by #PersonOfInterest ***SPOILERS***

***SPOILERS***

First, a bit of business: Kelly Walker's $50 giveaway entry form is at this post.

Second, a serious note: November 20th is Transgender Day of Remembrance, a solemn event for remembering human lives lost to anti-transgender violent. The victims of such violence are almost always trans*women, often people of color, and often sex workers. It's an opportunity to devote ourselves anew to respecting all transgendered people - but especially our trans* sisters - and to continue fighting misogyny, hurtful gender stereotypes, racism, prejudice against sex workers, and all the places where these deadly attitudes intersect. Today we remember that all human lives have value, and that the most vulnerable members of our society need our support.

You don't have to love sex work, but you do have to respect sex workers as your fellow human beings.

***SPOILERS START HERE***

Now on to a more "lighthearted" subject, which is nonetheless ripping my heart in two. Fictional characters are bastards. They have a tendency to die at the most inconvenient times, such as when one gets extremely attached to them. I'm extremely attached to Jocelyn (Joss) Carter on Person of Interest, and here in the middle of Season 3, the writers have killed her off.

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I probably should be angry, as angry as all those Veronica Roth fans who returned their copies of Allegiant to the bookstore because they were so chagrined by that thing that happens at the end. (Go here if you want the spoiler-y book review.) Maybe I haven't gotten to the anger stage yet; I'm still processing the grief.

Yes, I'm grieving over a TV character. Her death is so sudden, so horrendous, such a betrayal of the loyal audience. It felt like a cheap ratings stunt, a shocker ending designed to get a gasp out of the viewer. Let me tell you a thing about Joss Carter: she was a complete badass. She was a strong, stable police detective, a Gulf War II veteran and former military interrogator, competent and honest in her job. She was a single mom, divorced from a fellow vet - a good man who was loyal to their son and dealing with his PTSD issues. She was a good partner to Lionel Fusco, a good mom, and still not some perfect Mary Sue it was impossible to like.

She was realistically strong, not cartoonishly so. (I can admit it: Sam Shaw is a bit cartoonish at times.) She was everything you wanted a female character on network TV to be.

Joss is played by Taraji P. Henson, an African-American woman. How many successful network TV shows feature an African-American woman as one of four principle characters? Not as many as we would like. We could not afford to lose Taraji from network TV. She's an amazing actor, gifted in both lighthearted comedic scenes and heavy drama. She was a staple of this show, its anchor. She was the moral center, even more so than Harold Finch. This literally will be a different show from here on out.

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I don't think I'll like it nearly as much. The other badass women - Root, Zoe Morgan and Shaw - are little comfort. They aren't Joss.

The worst part, though? The kiss. Yep, in the last hours of Joss's life, she finally learned John Reese's real feelings about her. They showed each other their scars; we learned she almost died from a landmine explosion and again when she gave birth to Taylor. My heart leapt; I had visions of John and Joss kissing each other's scars as they slowly undressed one another. He confessed to her that she saved his life; he was going to kill himself before the day they met, when she showed concern for him.

Then he touched her face, very tenderly. Then he leaned in (he's very tall) and kissed her. Joss's beautiful face was even more so afterward. You could see the love reflected in her beautiful eyes. Taraji has such beautiful eyes. CaReese was going to happen! They loved each other, I know it! I was in such a state of bliss - though still worried they were going to kill my beloved Lionel.

Then (Erin typed through her tears) that motherfucker Patrick Simmons shot her in the street, and she died in John's arms, calling for Taylor. Horrible Cloud Atlas flashbacks. The Frobisher-Sixsmith feels all over again.

I loved FourTris, but they weren't my One True Pairing. CaReese was my OTP. She deserved so much better than this. She deserved all the happiness. How is one supposed to take it when half of one's OTP is dead?

Excuse me for crossing fandoms, but I feel like I've been attacked by a dementor. I feel like I'll never be cheerful again. My brain wants to play me a jukebox worth of sad songs, and my infinite sadness playlist wouldn't let me sleep last night. Professor Lupin, can you bring me some chocolate, stat?

No, you can't. J.K. Rowling killed you. Fictional characters are bastards, dying at such inconvenient times. Person of Interest, go to the corner and think about what you've done.

If anything happens to Abbie Mills on Sleepy Hollow, TV, I swear to all the gods...

Erin O'Riordan's Movie Review of 'Beautiful Creatures'

I'm getting really embarrassed by how many movies I've seen lately based on books I did not read. I didn't read Cloud Atlas, Warm Bodies, The Silver Linings Playbook or Beautiful Creatures, but now I've seen all those movies. The next thing in my Netflix queue is the version of Mansfield Park with Jonny Lee Miller, and it's one of the Jane Austen novels that I haven't read. (Which is most of them. I've only read Pride and Prejudice thus far, unless you count Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.)

I do read, I swear. I just can't read everything.

To be honest, when I went to watch Beautiful Creatures, I hoped for a sort of gender-reversed Twilight, with the young woman (Lena) being the powerful supernatural being and the young man (Ethan) being the weak, helplessly enamored mortal. There was some of that in this movie.

It's a dark, sad, beautiful movie with an intelligent, delightfully sass-mouthed heroine and a hero whose pastimes include reading books that have been banned from his small Southern town's library. They can't be together because her supernatural powers are dangerous and she's afraid she might kill him. Beautiful Creatures isn't a Twilight knock-off, though.

Lena is a witch, but she prefers to be called a caster. When she arrives at the single high school in Ethan's town, her classmates accuse her of being a devil worshiper. One of them starts a loud prayer in the middle of their public school classroom, and the windows shatter - for which everyone immediately blames Lena. She's in danger of being kicked out of school.

The actors playing Ethan and Lena are fairly unknown, although the actress's mother is the famed director Jane Campion. Beautiful Viola Davis plays the woman who acts as a foster mother to Ethan since his bio mom died. Jeremy Irons plays Lena's foster parent, her uncle Macon. Macon is a dark caster, but he chooses to be "light" for Lena's sake. Male casters have a choice; female casters are Claimed for either the light or the dark on their sixteenth birthdays. Lena's 16th birthday is rapidly approaching.

Lena's bio mom, Serafine, is played by Emma Thompson. Serafine is supposed to be the most powerful dark caster, and she's convinced Lena will be Claimed by the dark. It seems all the women in their family have been claimed by the dark since an ancestor used forbidden magic to bring her lover, killed in the Civil War, back from the dead. Thus, the family is cursed.

If we've told you once, we've told you a million times, kids: do not use magic to bring a loved one back from the dead. Douglas Clegg told you so in Isis, and J.K. Rowling did again in the three brothers' tale within Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. What has been claimed by death is meant to stay dead, because that is way nature works. When our loved ones die, we wish them safe passage to the other world, commend them into the arms of the Goddess and, most importantly, do NOT try to bring them back. Lesson learned, kiddos?

Emma Thompson could tell you that; she was, after all, Sybill Trelawney in the Harry Potter movies. She was also in Sense and Sensibility, in the lovely version with  Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant, and Severus Snape -er, Alan Rickman as Colonel Brandon. Furthermore, she was Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing before Amy Acker took over the role. This all makes her sound very British, but Emma Thompson has some surprising American accent skills.

Jeremy Irons is very good in this, as the loving but imposing Uncle Macon. My favorite Jeremy Irons movie is still The Man in the Iron Mask (loosely based on a Dumas classic I have not read), and in my all-time favorite episode of The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival," Lisa is challenged to form an anagram of "Jeremy Irons" that describes the actor. (It's much harder than it seems. The best option Wordsmith.org comes up with is, "Jeer, sir? My, no.") Lisa's best guess is "Jeremy's iron."

Uncle Macon thinks of a way to undo the curse, but only at the cost of a great sacrifice. For this reason, although she loves Ethan dearly, Lena is unwilling to be with him anymore. She makes him forget the two of them had ever met. It's heartbreaking stuff. (Yeah, it's a little bit like when Edward abandoned Bella in New Moon.)

The ending only served to make me want more. I liked this a lot, more than I liked Warm Bodies or Silver Linings Playbook. May I have the sequel now, please?

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Oh How Pinteresting! 'Cloud Atlas' and the Masterpiece Classic 'Wuthering Heights'

Look what came in the mail today! I know this isn't going to be an easy book to read, but I suspect it's going to be a worthwhile read.



On Monday I watched Cloud Atlas. I didn't read David Mitchell's novel, and maybe that's why I was so utterly baffled and confused by this movie. Someone please tell me - is it so brilliant it went over my head, or is it just a hot muddled mess of characters in six different timelines?



...and when the characters start speaking in dialect that's supposed to be a futuristic descendant of English? Even subtitles wouldn't have helped. You need a new dictionary to get this movie.

This is one of Hugh Grant's characters in it.



He kinda looks like Rick Genest (that Canadian model who appears in "Born This Way" with Lady Gaga). But this is the part that's really going to stick with me: the Frobisher-Sixsmith feels.



I mean, it would kill Hollywood to make one big-budget movie with a gay couple that gets a happy ending?!? Hollywood, I will give you good American money to see a gay rom com that ends with the happy couple cheerfully eating strawberries off each other. I don't want the young LGBTQIA thinking their love lives have to turn out like A Single Man, Brokeback Mountain and Boys Don't Cry because that's all they see in the media. You're sending mixed messages when you say "It gets better," but in every single movie it gets worse.

Okay, ranty thing done. I also saw this movie. Wuthering Heights is one of my top 5 favorite books ever, but I'd never seen the Masterpiece Classic version until last Friday.



At first I was like, "Tom Hardy as Heathcliff? Ew. No." Then I started watching it, and I was like, "I wish he'd stop using that stupid Bane voice." To be fair, the Bane voice pops up a few times, but he sounds normal through most of it. He's not OMG-great, but he's not terrible, either.

I liked this adaptation. I don't think I ever appreciated Edgar Linton as much as I did when he was played by Andrew Lincoln. I still kinda blows my mind that he's actually English and not U.S. Southern.



Ralph Fiennes remains my favorite movie Heathcliff.



But now I can't stop watching the Bad Lip Reading take on The Walking Dead.

I read this last week. Obnoxiously, I have volumes 1, 2, 4 and 6. I'll have to see if the library can fill in the gaps, because $15 a piece (at Barnes and Noble) is a lot to pay for a graphic novel series of which there are at least 17 volumes.

The Complete First Season: 3-Disc Special Edition