'The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three' by Vicki Vantoch

I love nonfiction books about sexuality in general, and I wanted to read this one specifically because I thought it might be good research for future short stories and novel scenes. I’ve written threesomes before, but I could always learn to write them hotter.

I started reading this book ages ago, but I kept putting it away when guests came over and then getting distracted by other books. That's not to say that it's uninteresting or boring - far from it. Granted, I did skip a few passages that didn't apply to me, but overall, I enjoyed this very much. It's really more 4.5 stars than 4.

Vicki Vantoch is the kind of smart girl who makes me want to do stupid things. She’s brilliant and witty. I laughed out loud several times throughout the book, just like I do with Lemony Snicket things. She has one of the best jobs I could imagine: anthropologist and historian who specializes in the history of sex. In physical appearance, she reminds me of the singer Sara Bareilles. Funny, smart, cute, openly bisexual – Vicki Vantoch is my kind of writer.

She’s also the mom of two adorable kidlings, son West and daughter Maison. Their dad is Vantoch’s life partner since they were 16 years old, the actor Dimitri Krushnik. But, as she writes on page 328, “Yale law professor Kenji Yoshino argues we are all pressured to ‘cover’ or to downplay stigmatized traits to blend into the mainstream. We do this in various ways—by hiding hearing aids or changing ethnic-sounding names to commercially viable ones.” In that exact manner, Dimitri is better known as Misha Collins. Which, I suppose, is not quite as Russian-sounding, even though Misha is still the traditional Russian nickname for Dimitri. (Didn’t Dimitri Belikov’s sisters call him Misha in the Vampire Academy novels?)

Vantoch is candid about her own three-way relationship with her husband and her female best friend, but Collins is more guarded. She writes in the Acknowledgments, “And finally, M, my sweet coadventurer in love and life. Even though this book wasn’t his cup of tea, he was supportive from the beginning and was always there when I needed him with encouragement, egg sandwiches, and a brutally-honest critical eye. His patience, humor, openness to change, and super-human ability to love me without crushing me, continues to amaze me. I feel enormously lucky to be sharing this journey with him.”

My favorite chapter is Chapter 5, which gets into some of the issues that not-bisexuals might face when in multiple partner relationships. It encourages people who consider themselves straight to be open to a range of experiences that might be pleasurable even if a bit outside their usual comfort zone, without obsessing about labels. Human beings seem to have an innate tendency to want everything neatly categorized, but our sexuality is much too fluid and varied for that. Vantoch gets that, and she’s able to write about it in a way that’s not only humorous but also quite sexy.

Whether they read it for research, for practical tips, or simply out of curiosity, readers who are brave enough to pick this one up will be rewarded. 

I purchased this book with my own funds and was not obligated in any way to review it.

Nonfiction Review: 'Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied' by Jaiya

Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied: A Kinky Guide to the Best Sex Ever is a nonfiction book written for men and women who want to add some kink to their sex lives. Content Warning: This review mentions issues of consent and sexual abuse that some people may find disturbing.

What is kink? Author Jaiya says it's whatever "outside the box" sex is for you. We all have our own comfort levels.

Jaiya is a "somatic sexologist"/couples counselor whose preparation for this book included spending time as both a dominant and a submissive with her partner, while both of them received training from more experienced practitioners. I can imagine she's probably quite educated about her subject and probably a knowledgeable counselor. The first few pages/first chapter or so are actually a bit clinical and dry. At first I thought, "How can a sex guide be this boring?"

On page 16, Jaiya quotes Esther Perel, "the author of Mating in Captivity," as saying, "I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and respectful sex - purged of any expression of power, aggression, and transgression - is antithetical to erotic desire for men and women alike." Taken out of context, statements like this could easily be misinterpreted as saying that there's some kind of "natural" hierarchy in which one sex is dominant and aggressive and the other is passive. I don't think Jaiya means to imply that; I think she's using this quote in the context of how erotic it can be - for some people - to use role-playing of power dynamics. But I don't think this is explained very well in this chapter. I'm pretty sure there are some people for whom egalitarian sex in which there is, consciously, no mismatch of power is the ONLY erotic sex for some people.

Chapter Three is about consent. This is probably the most important chapter in the book, because no truly erotic activity can take place without honest, informed consent. On page 49, Jaiya writes about "The Many Shades of Being Willing" and ends the page with, "There will be some activities that you want to do, some activities you are willing to do, and some activities you are certain you don't want to do." The next page launches into a detailed explanation of "understanding turn-ons" without returning to the topic of how to handle the things you don't want to do.

This is problematic for me. I felt frustrated because I wanted Jaiya to make a strong statement along the lines of, "Always make sure you gain your partner's clearly-communicated and enthusiastic consent before any sexual activity, and make sure your partner does the same for you. Sexual activity without consent is assault."

It's not that Jaiya isn't aware of the issue of sexual trauma. She writes about having a childhood trauma of her own and about sexual situations that are triggering for her, and about how to help a partner who has triggering issues surrounding sexuality. I'm a little confused that she's well aware that there are issues around power imbalances in sexual relationships, yet her writing often seems to be quite wishy-washy around consent. I do not like this. I want strong statements that empower human beings to have control of our own sexual activities and that fight rape culture.

On page 125, Jaiya shares that she gave her partner a list of words and asked him to choose the ones that turned him on. One of the words he chooses is "rape." She never addresses this or mentions it again. I understand the adults are perfectly entitled to role-play and act out whatever fantasies they care to have with their consenting adult partners, and I don't have a problem with that. I don't consider myself overly "vanilla" and I'm not usually uncomfortable around discussions of sexuality (erotica writer here), but I am uncomfortable with this book skirting around issues of nonconsent without strongly addressing them.

We're not at that point in our culture yet when we can just assume that everyone reading the book will know the rules of consent in a healthy way. I'd rather we talked about it too much than not enough.

Furthermore, I don't love the authorial voice she chose to write this book in, which puts the reader in the place of the submissive and the author in the place of the dominant partner. In some places, the writing is just a little silly, and I also object to this authorial tone on the grounds that I have very, very little desire to be sexually submissive. I prefer to be the dominant one, and the idea of another woman trying to be my alpha turns me off. Jaiya, you don't know me like that. Don't assume that's the kind of relationship I want to have with you.

That said, I felt from Chapter Six onward, Jaiya gave a lot of practical tips that are well-written and fun. If you read BDSM literature (as I sometimes do, although it's not my preferred genre) and want to know more about how you can incorporate it into your own life, this book will help. It has some ideas that are genuinely creative and sexy. You just have to pick out the ideas you like and disregard anything you don't like.

More Information From the Publisher:

About the Book

BANISH BORING SEX AND UNLEASH ORGASMIC ECSTASY WITH POWER, RESTRAINT, AND SENSATION PLAY!

Are you ready to expand your sexual boundaries?  If you’ve ever fantasized about being taken by your man, dreamed of playing with handcuffs, ropes, and paddles, or been turned on by the thought of wickedly wielding power over your lover, you’ve found the right book!

Award-winning Sexologist and author Jaiya will be your Mistress in this fun-to-read handbook that will transform your sex life.  CUFFED, TIED, AND SATISFIED leads the kink novice and pro alike on a shame-free personal journey to sexual empowerment, including your full plan for safely playing on the edge, setting boundaries, and communicating with your partner about your deepest, darkest, untapped desires.

Jaiya will teach you how to make your sexual fantasies a safe reality through:

•     SENSORY PLAY - Blindfolded and tied to the bed; you’re helpless as every inch of your skin is awakened with your lover’s hot breath and a delicious feather…

•     POWER ROLES - You’ve drawn up your own sexy contract detailing every moment of how you want your lover to take you to full surrender; he looks into your eyes and pulls you to your knees…

•     IMPACT AND TOYS - Just the sound of your wicked crop sends your lover into ecstasy; the anticipation has you both on the brink of extraordinary pleasure…

•     ROLE PLAYING - Standing naked in front of your lover, they admire your black thigh-high heels. You’ve empowered your inner Dominatrix, and you’re ready to take control…

CUFFED, TIED, AND SATISFIED is all you need to bring kink out of the dungeon and into your bedroom.

About the Author

Jaiya is an internationally recognized sexologist, speaker, and author of Red Hot Touch and Blow Each Other Away.  She helps men, women, and couples to learn more about sexuality so that they can experience deeper connection and unlimited sexual ecstasy! www.mistressjaiya.com

Praise

"Jaiya's friendly and accessible introduction to kink is perfect for those seeking to spice up their sex life." --Publisher's Weekly

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Blogging for Books for this review.

Never Say Never: Guest Post by Alison Tyler

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Sssh.com Publishes Exclusive Interview with Carol Queen

Boston, Massachusetts. (November 5th, 2013) – Sssh.com, the Web’s leading erotica site for women, has just released an exclusive interview with Carol Queen. Carol Queen is an American author, editor, sociologist and sexologist active in the sex-positive feminism movement. Queen has written on human sexuality in books such as Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture. 

Sssh.com publisher Angie Rowntree sat down for the exclusive informal video interview in mid-October with the renowned sexologist at a cafe in Boston. During the one-hour conversation, they discussed a wide variety of sexuality topics ranging from current "sex issues" in society, the increased mainstream censorship of adult materials, the history of the female orgasm (including a lively conversation about "hysteria") and the invention and development of the vibrator, and other topics in a fast paced and entertaining format.

In her own words, Carol Queen tells Sssh.com a bit about her career as a sexologist and activist, saying “I’ve been writing since I was a kid, though have only focused on sex since I became fascinated by sex. I write spanning many genres, almost always to inform or involve as well as to entertain, and when I’m not writing, I teach, talk, and produce events about sex in my capacities as lecturer, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, and founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture in San Francisco. I’ve authored, edited, or co-edited eleven books, winning awards for PoMoSexuals (a Lammy) and The Leather Daddy and The Femme (a Firecracker Alternative Book Award). I’m about to see a re-release of my first book (from 1995), Exhibitionism for the Shy, and I’m sloooowly working on a memoir. Pretty much all my anthologized work is listed on my home page. I’m also on the board of the Woodhull Freedom Foundation, dedicated to the premise that sexual freedom is a fundamental human right, and this year I'm serving as a judge for the Sex-Positive JournalismAwards.” 

“I've admired Carol Queen and her advocacy work for years, and was delighted to get a chance to sit down for a chat with her” says Rowntree. “Carol is funny, on-point and has a real grasp of the issues in current sex in society issues from her past 25+ years as a sexologist and outspoken pundit, lecturer and author.” 

The three-part interview is available, free of charge, on sssh.com news and commentary site, EroticScribes.com - http://www.eroticscribes.com/video-interview-sexologist-carol-queen/ 

About Sssh.com: Sssh.com offers an extensive, evolving source of information and entertainment from bold and brassy to tender and traditional. Providing a safe place for women to explore their sexuality, the company continues to grow the website's scope in order to reach a wider audience of women interested in high quality, intelligent erotic content. 

Because no woman is an island, Sssh.com embodies a community where women can relax, enjoy, learn and feel good about being sexual, sensual beings without sacrificing personal ethics. Sssh.com encourages each member to approach her journey at her own pace: Content is arranged by levels, each clearly annotated with its degree of explicitness. After all, women may be curious about what a guy has, but they’re more interested in discovering how he uses it.

Elle.com, one of the largest and most read women’s fashion and editorial websites in the world, listed Sssh.com as “one of the websites to see,” describing the website as the best place for movies and advice, plus “it has a hunky guy photo gallery.”

This is an affiliate link:

All In: 25 Erotic Stories by Emily Cantore. $4.99 from Smashwords.com
25 erotic short stories from the hot and bothered mind of Emily Cantore! To buy individually would cost a bundle! More than 130,000 words of first-time lesbians, threesomes, girls experimenting, sex toys and much more. Guaranteed to warm you up and get your mind racing!

Guest Post: by Sean Jameson ~ 5 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, but that initial spark in your relationship will almost always eventually fade. If you are just starting a new relationship with someone, you may think that the excitement you both feel about getting sexual with each will never go away. The truth is that it will unfortunately always slowly go away :(

Thankfully, these 5 different sex tips and ideas will show you what to do to prevent that spark of excitement dying.

1. Learn Some New Sex Positions As your relationship progresses, you will start to discover which sex positions you both enjoy most. This is great! The only problem with though is that many couples find themselves only using between 3 and 7 different sex positions. These are usually missionary, cowgirl and doggystyle or a variation of it. Now there's nothing wrong with this. It's just that when sex becomes a routine, you will eventually become bored of it. Instead I strongly advise people to experiment and learn as many new sex positions as possible to try with their partner. And I'm not talking about crazy, 'you-need-to-be-super-flexible' positions either. There are literally hundreds of easy to perform positions that you can try out with your man. I have even created a whole section devoted to this on the Bad Girl's Bible.

2. Roleplaying Roleplaying with your partner is a wonderful way open up more sexual avenues in your relationship. The fabulous thing about roleplaying is that it's a safe way to explore your fantasies with your significant other. Hopefully this list of potential fantasies to try out with your man gives you some ideas on the possibilities.

 - School girl/boy and headmaster/headmistress who has to deliver some discipline
 - Doctor and patient
 - Nurse and patient
 - Prison officer and prisoner
 - Secretary and boss
 - Master & Slave who needs punishment
 - Becoming a swashbuckling pirate
 - Rich independent woman and penniless man (don't forget to switch roles too!)

There are hundreds of roleplays that you can try out, these are just a few of the more popular ones to give you an idea of the possibilities.



3. Get Outside! The bedroom is the default location for sex for most people. But some more adventurous people like to have sex all around the house, whether it's in the kitchen or in the bathroom or even on the stairs. But if you want to take it to the next level, then I highly recommend that you try having sex outside in the open. When I say outside, I don't actually mean 'outside where you can get caught'. While many find the thought of getting caught by someone else while having sex to be thrilling, it's not something that I advise. So avoid places where you are both likely to get caught (i.e. anywhere in a city, public parks, etc.) When I say have sex outside, I mean that you should try it in places where it's just the 2 of you, alone, with almost no chance of either of you being caught or seen by others, but in a location that is beautiful. This could be by a lake early in the morning, on a beach under the stars or deep inside a forest where you can moan and groan as loud as you like without fear of being caught.

4. Don't Forget About Handjobs Whenever I get questions about sex, it usually boils down to just one of 3 things: "Teach me some new sex positions!", "How can I give a great blowjob?" or "How do I talk dirty?" One question that I rarely get, but that guys love their partner to do is giving them a handjob. Giving a great handjob is thankfully quite easy as described here. But for those who want the quick start guide, these 4 steps will get you started in the right direction:

 - Start by grabbing him around the base of his shaft. Rub it up and down for between 10 seconds and a minute.
 - Then move your hand towards the head of his penis (that's the purple part). Start stroking this part of his penis upwards and downwards, making sure that that he can feel each finger move upwards and downwards over the ridge of skin where the head joins the shaft (it's called the Corona). This will give him a lot of pleasurable stimulation.
 - Alternate between the first 2 handjob techniques, then every once in a while, lower your hand(s) to his testicles and grab them softly, then start massaging them. Remember that your man is really sensitive down here, so be careful not to accidentally hurt him by being too rough.
 - While using a combination of the 3 techniques above, you should also vary the speed at which you give your man a handjob. Start off slowly, then speed up, slow down, speed up again until he reaches orgasm and then as he starts cumming slow down again.

5. What To Do When You're Not Around If you want to keep your sex life exciting even when you are not with your partner, then there are a few really cool things that you can do. - Send each other dirty texts a few times during the week. Make sure to do it randomly so they are unexpected and out of the blue. It could be a saucy statement like, "Was thinking about your ass during work and it's making me hard (or wet)!" or "I can't wait to fuck you later." Or it could be a question like, "Would you prefer me to go down on you later or would you like a nice long massage?" - The same goes for when you are on the phone. Just let your significant other know what you are thinking of. You could say something that's not too dirty like, "I wish you were here right now." or "You are making me so hard/wet just listening to your voice." My name is Sean Jameson and you can learn more about me on my website.

Book Review: 'Sex Pot: The Marijuana Lover's Guide to Gettin' It On'

I myself am not a marijuana smoker. I've taken a few puffs in my day, but I don't care for the burning sensation in my throat. Plus, Irish Granny and Yiddish granny smoked cigarettes and both ended up with lung diseases that left them barely able to walk to the mailbox. That doesn't look like too much fun. I'll eat a great many things baked into chocolate brownies, but the one time I ate a third of a pot brownie, I totally tripped out and had to go to bed, where I dreamed extremely vivid Technicolor cartoon dreams. That was the end of that phase of experimentation.

Still, I was excited to read Sex Pot: The Marijuana Lover's Guide to Gettin' It On by "cannabis columnist" Mamakind, also known as Lisa Kirkman (Quick American Publishing, August 2011). I love a good sex guide - and this is one. Does it devote pages to the combining of smoking weed with sexual activities? Yes, it certainly does.

It does more than that, though. Mamakind, experienced columnist for SKUNK Magazine, answers all kinds of sex questions. She's more than a columnist, though - she's an activist, and in this tome, she gets to wave the flag of freedom for all consenting adults who claim the right to make our own sexual (as well as pharmaceutical) choices. This erotica writer can't help but love her liberated love-and-let-love philosophy.

Mamakind herself is rather fascinating. She's a smart, pop culture-savvy, bisexual Canadian of Jewish descent whose BDSM preferences tend toward the submissive. (The cover portrays a curvy cartoon female with some serious red - and a pot leaf tattoo - on her behind. Mamakind's cartoon doppelganger?) She may be a self-confessed stoner, but she seems to know of which she speaks.

The questions she fields include:

*Is it possible for growing plants to soak up sexual energy?
*Is my boyfriend normal? He wants to role-play that I age into an 80-year-old while we make love.
*How can I get my penis to stop humming?

I half suspect that second question may be from Bella Swan, but that's beside the point. The point is, Mamakind makes some interesting and persuasive arguments. I liked her comparison of women as "candyfloss without the sticky" and of men as "the stick left over after the candyfloss, sticky included." (Apparently Canadians use the English word "candyfloss" where Americans would say "cotton candy.")

My favorite quote was this: "Love between consenting adults is never something to be avoided...nor is mind-blowingly good sex."



Image: Creative Commons, generic license
I received an Advanced Digital Pre-Press Copy of this book at no charge from its editorial director. I was not otherwise compensated for this review.

'He Said/She Said': Quite the Help Between the Sheets (Guest Post)

Anyone who has been in a relationship with the opposite sex knows that it's not always the easiest thing in the world. Men and women are different: They communicate differently, and most of the time, they want different things. Especially in the bedroom.

Liberty Kontranowski's He Said/She Said: What Men and Women Really Want in the Bedroom delves into the contrasting views and desires of men and women. But the author's a woman, you might be thinking. How can she speak for men? It's quite simple. Kontranowski interviewed nearly two dozen couples and sex experts to get both sides of the story.

Those couples are just like the rest of the world, facing the same obstacles and issues as the rest of us. And those sexual experts has experienced thousands of hours of couples therapy, so they know how men and women work when it comes to sex.

These experts condense all of that knowledge into the one most important thing that men and women should know—so you don't have to read through pages and pages of technical details. Instead, you get the most important advice about how to better please your partner from the most knowledgeable experts.

The eBook is filled with loads of tips and pieces of advice for both men and women to take into consideration. However, the one "rule" that stays true across the board is the Golden Rule: treat others how you would want to be treated. This leaks to situations outside the bedroom, meaning that we should show our partners how much we appreciate them, just as we would want to be appreciated and encouraged.

While He Said/She Said may at first seem like just another self-help book with a cheap price tag, it's actually much more than that. It takes a wealth of information and lays it out there so that any and all of us can understand it.

Katrina Robinson is a freelance writer and editor based in Charleston, South Carolina. She writes for edrugstore.md about a wide variety of topics including relationships, and health. Visit the Dating Coaches Section for Podcast Interviews of Certified Experts giving relationship advice.(Picture Credit: Amazon.com, Examiner.com)

Going Down?

The other day I got hold of a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio:How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure by Violet Blue (Cleis Press, originally 2002, second edition 2010). My first thought was, do we really need almost 250 pages to explain this? Men are like automatic cum dispensers, right? Insert beer, yank the handle a few times (with your mouth) and get your prize...right?

Then I read Violet Blue's introduction. Men, it seems, have been given short shrift by sex writers up until now. When guys write for other guys about bjs, they do it with a homophobic-like distaste, as if typing with one hand while covering their eyes with the other. Men's anatomy is much more complicated than we realize on an average day. There's a wealth of knowledge women have gained by listening to gay men.

So, scanning over this hefty guidebook with fresh eyes, I found much to be admired. It's sex-positive. It doesn't discriminate against either sex or cater exclusively to hetero couples. It's comprehensive, even covering how genital piercings can affect oral sex. The drawings are cute. (I like the drawings with the piercings especially.) Best of all, it's spiced up with little fictional interludes by erotica author Alison Tyler. My favorite is "High Tea" (see previous post).

There's a reason why over 100,000 copies of this book have already been sold: this book is really helpful and informative. PLUS, the brunette couple on the front cover is cute.