Monday, February 15, 2016

How to Play a Lovegame in 5 Gaga Steps

As I sit impatiently waiting for the Grammy Awards show with Lady Gaga's tribute to David Bowie (plus a musical number from the cast of Lin Manuel Miranda's brilliant show Hamilton), please enjoy this essay originally published at the now-defunct Oysters and Chocolate erotica website. 

Ever since the days of Sappho, poets and songwriters have been perfecting the art of the playful, uniquely worded verbal flirtation. It didn’t begin with Lady Gaga, but the pop superstar has both blatant sexuality and a way with memorable turns of a phrase. Pluck a few lines from her songs and you’ll find an intriguing roadmap for an erotic encounter with someone special. Go forth and have a wild, fashionable time in the name of Gaga.

Eyeliner and Cigarettes 

It starts with a look. Biologists will tell you the first stage of the human mating ritual is eye contact. Wide eyes signal interest; in fact, when we meet someone we’re really interested in, our pupils dilate. Eyeliner is an artificial way of making our eyes look bigger, a sort of cosmetic flirt. The effect can be especially striking on guys, for whom wearing make-up is a rebellious sign of going against society’s grain. Eyeliner instantly makes a guy look like a rock star, or like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. Either could be a very hot look.

A night of passion doesn’t have to begin with eyeliner, though. Whatever kind of flair makes you feel like a sexier, flirtier version of yourself will work. The cigarettes, likewise, don’t have to be literal. Cigarettes, like eyeliner on a man, could be anything rebellious. They could also represent what relaxes you, whether it’s a dirty martini, an aromatherapy bath, or a mellow iTunes playlist. Of course, all you phlegms fatale are welcome to light up if it’s what floats your boat. Indulge yourself in a moment of relaxation and a little flair before the big night to boost your confidence.

Got your relaxation on? Good. Do you look as good as you feel? Excellent. Now go where the night takes you--drinks, dinner, dancing, maybe even something that doesn’t start with D.

French Kissed on a Subway Train 

You’ve gone out, showed off your look and done whatever it is you two crazy kids do for fun these days. You’ve decided on his/her place or yours--now you have to get back there. Driving offers privacy, but you can’t drive with a buzz on. If you’re lucky enough to live in a city with a subway, elevated train or trolley car system, train cars can be an ideal spot for foreplay.

It may help to know the laws in your area about sex acts in public and semi-public places to know how far you can push it. In the U.K., public nudity and sexual expression are covered by the Sexual Offences Act of 2003. Sexuality activity is permitted in any place a couple can reasonably expect to have privacy, and an otherwise-empty subway car may fit that definition. In the U.S., laws vary by state, but you may face a fine or even probation if cited for disturbing the peace or public indecency.

Don’t let the legal mumbo-jumbo scare you off, though. Kissing and light petting aren’t likely to raise a legal eyebrow, and a public encounter can provide an intoxicating rush of adrenaline. Actor Mary-Louise Parker recommends hotel hallways for hanky-panky and calls the risk of getting caught “worth it every time.”

Leather Studded Kiss in the Sand

Like eyeliner, black leather with metals studs In the ‘50s, leather and studs were for bikers, and they were decidedly bad company. Cultural relics like Vaughan Monroe’s record “Black Denim Trousers and Motorcycle Boots” helped cement that rebellious image, and rock stars have been rocking the leather look ever since. On one hand, leather has mainstreamed. Designers like Michael Kors and Donna Karan continually draw inspiration for couture creations from vintage leathers. On the other hand, leather is increasingly politically incorrect as animal rights gain momentum.

Leather is also a fashion--and function--staple of the BDSM scene. If you’re feeling a tiny bit adventurous, spice up your night look with a studded leather collar, belt, or bustier. If you’ve got a mate with a foot or leg fetish, a pair of studded boots might be just the ticket.

For vegans and those who choose not to use animal products, there are an ever-increasing variety of sexy leather alternatives. Some are made of latex or acrylic, and others are blended microfibers. If faux leather shoes make you think of Birkenstocks, think again. You can find stylish leather alternatives from Charlotte Russe, Kate Spade, Steve Madden, Fantasia Wear, Victoria’s Secret, and perennial lingerie favorite Frederick’s of Hollywood, among many others.

Tempting as it is to have the classic From Here to Eternity moment on a tide-swept beach, the sand doesn’t have to be literal either. It can represent your mental “happy place.” The happy place is about more than mere relaxation; it’s about actively fantasizing about everything that makes you happy. Your fantasies are safely confined inside your mind, so go wherever your deepest desires want to carry you.

Love You With My Hands Tied

You’ve flirted with the BDSM look; now you might choose to kick the kink up a notch. You could try leather restraints, leashes, a body harness, a straightjacket or another type of full-body restraint. Bondage and sex toy sites, whether on the Internet or in your neighborhood, offer intriguing adult playthings for all sexual tastes.

If you’d like to try restraint play for the first time (or the first time with a new partner), use common-sense safety and comfort measures. Establish some boundaries and agree on a safe word that stops all play, no questions asked. Keep an eye on a person who’s restrained, and never cover up both the nose and mouth, especially when using a gag. Play delicately around the joints, face, neck and other body parts that can easily be injured, and realize holding one position for a long time can cause fatigue and discomfort. If you choose handcuffs, look for the kind that don’t tighten under pressure. Beyond these practical matters, your comfort level and imagination are the only limits.

Take a Ride on Your Disco Stick 

One couldn’t be blamed for associating the stick with a dick, making this step rather self-evident. In the spirit of Gagaesque sexual adventure, you may want to mix it up a bit. While shopping for the leather-studded kiss in the sand, you might have come across a variety of vibrators and dildos. There seem to be as many varieties of faux dicks as flowers in the springtime. You may also have seen a strap-on harness or two; consider this permission to experiment with pegging, if you’ve ever wanted to. Make no apologies for your desires, ‘cause baby, you were born this way.

If penetration isn’t your sexual cup of tea, feel free to focus less on the stick and more on the disco. Create an aural experience with music that puts you and your partner in the mood. If your LoveGame leads you toward female-dominated play, your soundtrack might include the Velvet Underground’s “Venus in Furs,” Tina Turner’s feminist-reclamation cover of the Rolling Stones’ “Under My Thumb,” and…well, lots of Lady Gaga’s songs.


Fisher, Helen E. March 31, 2010. “The Biology of Attraction.” Retrieved from the Psychology Today website:

July 26, 2007. “What IS Vegan Leather, Anyway?” Retrieved from The Gloss website:

Parker, Mary-Louise. March 26, 2009. “Why Having Sex in Public is Worth It (Every Time).” Retrieved from the Esquire website:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. (n.d.) “PETA’s Shopping Guide to Compassionate Clothing: Companies That Sell Leather and Fur Alternatives.” Retrieved from the PETA website:

Thompson, Holly. December 11, 2010. “Sex in Public.” Retrieved from

Veaux, Franklin. March 7, 2011. “BDSM Safety and Common Sense.” Retrieved from the Xeromag website:

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