I (never) sat down for an (imaginary) interview with (a fictional) Christian Bale, the star of films inspired by great literature such as Little Women, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and American Psycho.
Erin O.: It’s an honor to meet you. First question: will you pull me around in a sled like a pony, as you did for Kirsten Dunst in Little Women?
Bale: That’s fucking unprofessional, man. Are you professional?
Erin O.: Of course. I’ve been a staff writer for Poetic Monthly for over a year, and I’ve interviewed several authors on these pages.
Bale: Give me a fucking answer!
Erin O.: I just did. My answer was yes.
Bale: Oh, did you? I’m sorry. What was the question again?
Erin O.: (Deftly switches questions.) You recently applied for American citizenship. Your parents are English, and you were born in Wales. Do you feel any kind of special connection to the Welsh people?
Bale: Naturally, Wales holds a great fascination for me. I’m especially fond of Dylan Thomas, the greatest Welsh poet. I can only read the English-language literature of Wales, though. That Celtic language they speak is beyond me.
Erin O.: It’s beyond the comprehension of any English speaker. They spell “Wales” as “Cymru,” for crying out loud! Moving on…do you ever find yourself singing “King of New York” from Newsies?
Bale: That was so long ago, I forgot all the words. I do remember all my Shakespearean dialogue from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, though. When Calista Flockheart got married, I recited all my lines for her at the wedding. It took so long she had to skip throwing the bouquet!
Erin O.: That’s actually sweet, in a weirdly egotistical way. Speaking of wedding cake, your weight fluctuates drastically. You were almost plump in The Prestige, but skeletal in The Machinist. What gives?
Bale: (Smiles.) It all depends on what the role requires. Plus, the head caterer on the set of The Prestige had a crush on Hugh Jackman. She kept making him Vegemite pies. They were delicious! Why don’t you have Vegemite here in America?
Erin O.: I’ll check with our food writer, Stephen Lapan, and get back to you on that. So, you’re saying you ate Hugh’s pies?
Bale: I think he told me I could. His Australian accent is hard to understand. I always talk in my growly Batman voice so people can understand me.
Erin O.: I do like the growly Batman voice. May I end this interview with a joke?
Erin O.: How does Batman keep his hair so smooth and shiny?
Bale: Oh, I know this one! He uses Conditioner Gordon!
Thank you, Christian Bale, for stealing my punchline. Post script: I asked Martin White, the editor of Poetic Monthly, if we could make this a scratch-and-sniff article that smells like Vegemite pies, but he nixed the idea. I haven't figured out how to make a scratch-and-sniff blog post.